Creating just because
I miss creating things just for the sake of creation. When I was younger, creating things was all I ever thought about. Nothing else really mattered. Just the joy of creating, the process of it and then enjoying whatever came to be because of it. Didn't matter if it was art or writing or anything other creative process. Then when I became an adult, I had to recreate myself by transitioning and that was really hard. Recreation turned out to be a lot harder than simply creating. I began to lose a lot of my drive to create. 15 years later, I feel I have barely created a thing. I lost the desire to write and do art.
Yet, somehow, even thought this year has been terrible and I have been going through some really tough shit, my desire to create has returned to me. I think I just needed the inspiration. Creating my own website has caused something to change in my mind and it feels like a huge relief. I think it is partly due to the abandonment of social media wholly, and returning to the old way of using the net. I feel like I have returned home. I can't believe I didn't see this, that something so simple as forging my own spot on the net would have such a profound effect on my mental condition.
I assume that part of it comes down to leaving the production line of content creation on social media and the endless scrolling that entails. Scrolling on the bus stop, scrolling at breakfast, scrolling during break-time. Consume, consume, consume. It's hard to create when all you do is consume. So I have stopped consuming 'content'. Instead I have been browsing other people's websites, looking at their creations and thoroughly enjoying myself for the first time in years. I almost feel sad that I have wasted so much time on social media that ultimately served me absolutely nothing of value.
From now on, I am going to try to commit to creating just because. To write because I enjoy writing. To do art just because it is fun. Like it used to be when I was young. When clicks, likes and money didn't matter. Because they actually, really don't matter at all. They sucked the joy out of what I loved doing most. I want to put the joy back into it, rediscover myself again after so many years of being out of touch. I began to feel like I didn't know who I was anymore, so now I can find that person again.
Signing off, Nem.